Fourties Something

I have been called numerous things in my life. Some of these were nice and some were hurtful. I have been called kind, mean, positive, sensitive and the list goes on and on. These words used to hurt me and I felt like I had to be a certain way for people to “finally” like or accept me. I tried to conform to what society wanted me to be. I was also told, “What the hell are you so happy about?”
Hey! I am just happy and live with it.

I think in my 20s it was so important for me to be accepted and loved. This was for people to think of me as “perfect.” For me perfection had to be in the way I looked, my work, my study etc. and the list goes on and on. Yet the funny thing was that instead of feeling perfect inside, I believed what people told me about me. It was like I was a robot, who had given the remote control of my life to someone else. I allowed people to control my every move. Even though I looked full from the outside from inside my soul felt absolutely empty and broken.
The best year of my life was 28, some of these important changes added some color at that moment, a job, get married, decided to buy a house with my partner and planned to start my family.

In my 30s it was difficult, I was sick, was constantly in stress and it was the greatest lesson for me. I thought that Thirty’s was the beginning of life, oh no It wasn’t. I was in a denial phase to be 30 and I hated it. I was 30 years OLD & it was hard to accept.

When I hit my 40s something weird happened to me, I don’t even think I can describe what it was. It was kind of like an alien had taken over my body and freed me from what other people thought about me. This alien liberated me and told me that it was totally fine to just be -plain simple me. All of a sudden at 40, I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. I finally found out what my real personality was. I am crazy, sarcastic, funny and kind and I loved it!
I became more vain and proud of the person I was and I just simply embraced it. I still had people who didn’t liked me and thought I should change , but the funny thing was — I didn’t give a shit anymore!

So my message is: to allow myself to be ME, be the person I was born to be and, stop and smell the roses. Life is going to happen and the only person that really really matters is the one sitting inside of me, the one that was created in pure harmony with the universe! I so love being in my 40s and wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

Although when I think of someone saying “I am getting too old for this shit,” I too think of a wrinkly older woman, smoking a cigarette in a “stam kroeg” cafe in the city &  describing how pissed off she is by most things in the world. I am NEVER too old for this shit, taking action is fun!